My liver just broke up with me...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
