Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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