Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
