I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
