I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i came on her dog
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
