Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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