she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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