Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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