Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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