Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
