When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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