I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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