Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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