woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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