Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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