I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize