You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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