the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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