I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
then he tried to convert me to islam
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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