my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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