i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
His nipple licking is glorious
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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