hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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