I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
