Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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