I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
