Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Drunk is not a location!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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