Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
dude i'm inner monologue high
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
