I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
