Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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