If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize