I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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