my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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