hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
