Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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