idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
