that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
