My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
