I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
