he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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