My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
