There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
