He asked to "fluff my boner.."
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
