My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize