Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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