So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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