We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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