My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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