I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
bring money and cleavage
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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