Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize