so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
