i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My penis needs a shock collar
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
