you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
