I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
