Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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