i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize