Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
