get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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