The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
