my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
sarcasm needs its own font
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
