Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
