So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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