too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize